Adult Things I've Done Since March 22, 2015 So That You Don't Feel Worried About My Last Post:

1. Got a job. Won't tell you where, but it's a very legit job. The government takes out taxes and everything. I even have a dress code.
2. Drove on the freeway...all by myself. Only pulled over and cried once.
3. Ate at a restaurant whose name I couldn't pronounce.
4. Considered creating a 'Recipe' Pinterest board.
5. Actually did my homework. Before dinnertime, even.
6. Said 'things of that nature' in perfect context and meant it.
7. Realized I'd made/reconnected with several old friends and this isn't an adult thing but I'm still very proud.
8. Went an entire five days without television. This wasn't a lent thing. I was legitimately too busy.

Sometimes, you think you can conquer the world and sometimes you spend so much time in the school parking lot trying to tell yourself you can afford to ditch again that by the time you stop lying to yourself and go to class you're already five minutes late and that's a Saturday school anyway.

For the life of me I don't know how to roller blade or whistle or even put a fitted sheet on my bed but somehow I'm working two jobs, getting ready for AP exams, spending endless hours doing church stuff and always squeezing in Once Upon a Time Sunday nights at 8. You learn how to juggle it all because you have to, and once you get the hang of it, it's kind of fun.

So, here's to growing up and getting over it in hopes that one day we can afford bimonthly manicures and spotify premium.

A Journal Entry from March 22, 2015

i'm trying to be happy with who I am. but i'm reading nicki minaj articles instead of hamlet and i'm telling my friends to retweet a picture of my face that took me two hours to decide to post and i'm lying to my mom and it's getting easier to skip church and I just feel so yucky because I didn't have dinner and i'm thinking that maybe if I chop off my hair it'll take some of my emotional baggage with it. i'm so hungry I could puke. I want a friend. that's all I really want. come study Shakespeare with me. bring a pizza and let's crack it open, you know? I think i'm in love with the idea of someone I've never met and don't plan on ever meeting, and I think that's why i'm in love with them. they're not real. that's the best part. they don't exist any place else except my head, and that's where they'll stay: trapped, just like me. because I wake up every morning and I regret it. as the day goes on I lose a little bit of myself and by the time I crawl back into bed i'm thinking of all the things I didn't do, of all the time I've wasted, of all the people that aren't thinking about me and i'm biting my nails until they're sore and i'm trying to remember all the nice things people said to me, because there have been many, but they all blend together and nothing stands out because none of it ever meant anything to me. I never cared what anyone said because I never really cared about them and it turns out that I am in fact the cold, heartless bitch I claim to be. and people say it's easier, but let me tell you, it's not. God makes sure of that. the lack of emotion or feelings is so vast and endless that it hovers over my Grinch sized heart and with each feeling I've lost, the emptiness expands, and now I think I am jus a hollowed out teenage girl who hasn't lived enough of a life to sustain her through adulthood.

"Ghost of Corporate Future" --Regina Spektor

If you don't know who Regina Spektor is, you should. If you don't like her, that's okay. I will disagree, but I won't be angry.

"And people make you nervous,
You think the world is ending,
And everyone's features have somehow started blending,
And everything is plastic,
And everyone's sarcastic,
And all your food is frozen,
It needs to be defrosted.

Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee
And never ever watch the ten o clock news.
And maybe you should kiss someone nice,
Or lick a rock,
Or both.

Maybe you should cut your own hair,
Cause that can be so funny.
It doesn't cost any money.
And it always grows back,
Hair grows even after your dead.

And people are just people,
They shouldn't make you nervous.
The world is everlasting,
It's coming and it's going.
If you don't toss your plastic,
The streets won't be so plastic,
And if you kiss somebody,
Then both of you'll get practice."


So, here's to the kids who are using the steering wheel as a drum set and haven't eaten a home cooked meal in almost a month -- we're doing it.

growing pains

Because it's like nothing matters except for every single thing you do, and you're walking to class and you're keeping your head down and you're praying that you finally get to move seats because that guy that wears his big headphones around his neck every day but never listens to anything still hasn't realized that you don't need to be warned when the teacher walks by while you're on your phone because the teacher doesn't give a damn, and neither do you. And like Holden said, "All you do is study so you can learn enough to be smart enough to be able to buy a goddam Cadillac some day, and you have to keep making believe you give a damn if the football team loses." And then you go home and you do everything you can to make you feel like your life is completely different, like watching some stupid show that you can't get enough of, or stalking people you don't even know on the internet and you can't stop wondering what it would be like to be an entirely new person -- just for a day. Because you've been you for seventeen years and you're going to be you for eternity and it's just so damn boring living your life in that moment before you start the car or turn off your shower head. And every day you wake up and think maybe today will change my life forever and every night you go to sleep almost certain that it didn't. Because even though you have no plans for tomorrow, you still have to make time to think about applying to colleges, but since there's no one forcing you, and you have that big old bed to yourself and a totally different world at your fingertips you decide what's one more day? And you actually have a point, because even though they say you can't predict the future, you kind of can. And you know that it doesn't matter what you do today, because everything will still be there tomorrow, and you almost hate that, but in the end, you're grateful. It's just that nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same except for you. And you can't wait until you're 21 and you're at least doing something that matters to you or to the rest of the world, and maybe you've made a friend or two, and maybe they like chocolate peanut butter milkshakes just as much as you, although you wouldn't count on it. Because your brother taught you how to make them, just like he taught you to be honest, and to say what you're thinking even if it will make you cry. And he always takes you on all the scary rollercoasters, because he always challenges you to be better, and only because he knows you're capable. And you miss him, and you miss going to Disneyland and you miss toilet papering and playing board games and you don't know where everyone went or when they left so now you're sitting in front of the tv, and sometimes, when you really miss them, you pretend like they're right there next to you, and you tell them the stories you know they'd love, and you sing all of their favorite songs and you have a really good time until you realize that you are what you've always been: a stage 5 clinger with a couple of dogs and a hankering for Big Gulps.

This is Literally Just Me Raving About my Favorite Movie that You've Probably Never Seen

Tonight was one of those nights where you watch While You Were Sleeping two times in a row because your babysitting job got cancelled and because it really is that good.

I mean I love everything about that movie and I don't have a favorite part but I do always think about how the day Lucy saves Peter's life is the same day he finally acknowledges her. And I can't stop wondering how many times he had slid his token under the window without so much as glancing in her direction, and how many times she watched him watch everything else.

I don't know I just think you should always acknowledge people. Maybe not for the usual reasons like they're going through a rough time or even because it's the right thing to do. Maybe we should just do it because what if they are secretly in love with us? I mean, I could tell you right now six different people I claim to be in love with but can't tell you anything about.

Even if Peter hadn't said Merry Christmas, Lucy still would have saved him and the story still would have unfolded the way it did. Except when she's standing at the altar admitting the truth to his family, she wouldn't have said "We hadn't even met until that day at the tracks."

And I like to think that coming full circle like that means something to the creators of the film, so it should mean something to me too, and it does.

All I'm saying is while you're dating Ashley Bartlet Bacon, you could be some Lucy's Peter Callaghan. And while you're Peter Callaghan's Lucy, you could be Lucy to Jack Callaghan too, so keep your eyes peeled and your smiles bright.

PSA

I'm not really sure how this happened but I only have one more year left in high school and I couldn't possibly be more ecstatic about it. In complete honesty, I feel zero nostalgia nor do I wish time would slow down. In fact, quite the opposite. I think about college and graduation and moving out and fun things all the time and I am scared out of my mind but in the best way.

I'm not really sure how this happened either but I'm starting out this year virtually friendless. I say this because it's true, not because I'm looking for pity. In fact, you shouldn't feel bad for me. Sure, I eat lunch in my car and I have no one to tell all my good jokes to, but I don't feel it's a very big loss at all. Ultimately, I simply lost interest. And that makes me think they never really had my interest in the first place. My teenage years are coming to a close and I love almost everyone I've met along the way but I'm also over all of them. It's a kind of senioritis that nobody talks about - when you outgrow the relationships that used to consume you entirely.

I feel it's very important to make it clear that although I may not have an immediate partner in every class and although I go to football games with my parents, I slay every single day at school. I pull into the senior parking lot blasting Piano Man with my windows down and laugh as people try not to stare. I cackle at the teacher's jokes and I wear whatever I want because I will not live my life for a bunch of kids who value their social status over their individuality. I see so many of them holding back because they're insecure over the fact that their best friend isn't sitting right next to them. I look at all the people pretending to be completely immersed in their phones because they were the first person at the lunch table. None of them have had the opportunity to wake up in the morning, and get dressed for themselves. Every day, they wait for someone else to tell them how cute or how funny they are, when they are perfectly capable of doing so themselves. I don't leave my house without telling myself that I love God and he loves me and that's why he made me way too cute for school. There is nothing more satisfying -- nothing more fulfilling -- than receiving validation from none other but yours truly.

All I'm saying is this -- once you discover how to make yourself happy, you are unstoppable.

So stop tweeting about it, drive yourself down to Trader Joe's, and buy your own damn flowers. Calm yourself down, cheer yourself up, be your own best friend. Don't wait for permission, and don't ever let your friends stop you from being who you want to be.

Most importantly, never apologize, look back, or think twice. The thoughts of self doubt will linger as long as you let them.

Dance to class. Sing to strangers. Read poetry during passing period and wear crocs everyday. I mean, for heaven's sake they're just people.

Teenager Stuff

My sister and my dog are both lying asleep next to me and I can't stop wondering about all of the things that make my life what it is. First of all I'm hungry, I want a bagel. I always want a bagel. Anyways, I have a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says: Take Care of Each Other. Which I love because I hate taking care of people and it's like a slap in the face, but in the best way. The irony in this post is that I know absolutely nothing about being a teenager at all. I've spent a lot of time with them and so far haven't liked what I've seen. I'm going through a mid life crisis at the age of 17 and if that doesn't give you a good sense of who I am then I don't know what will. Staying positive is harder than the twitter accounts say it is, especially when college is so impossible to get into and even more impossible to pay for and there's so much uncertainty in every single day that all I want to do is watch Castle and eat Mac n Cheese until it's all over and maybe even a little after that. Because it's like, people are only friends with people just to have friends, which is sad because I don't want to live my life that way. So I'm alone every day and it isn't all that bad because if you aren't afraid of being alone then there's not much else to be afraid of.